Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
