after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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