Need sex. Gaining weight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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