Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
