you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
