Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
