Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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