Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
