oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Buhtt sex?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
