I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
