Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
