I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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