Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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