look no pants
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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