Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
