i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
