maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
