They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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