I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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