i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
