I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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