I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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