Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
