Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
