please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
