dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
