Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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