I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
