Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
