$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
