is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
