Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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