Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
