i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
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