I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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