I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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