When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
