My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
