i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
