he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
