Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My ATM looks so different sober.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
