Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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