there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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