I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
