its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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