I wish my penis had an off switch
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
