i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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