How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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