i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
