I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
