I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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