I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
