last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
