I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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