Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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