Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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