Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
