if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
